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Summarized by Kent Larsen
LDS Hmong Woman's Activism Lifts Her Community
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA -- An LDS woman in Sacramento is making a difference
in her hmong community, helping women and their families make the transition
from the traditional hmong culture to a hybrid more acceptable in the US.
May Ying Ly was featured in a lengthy and interesting article in the
Sacramento Bee outlining the difficulties hmong women face. The organization
Ly founded, the Hmong Women's Heritage Association, was recently given a
$400,000 grant from The California Endowment to help troubled families and
help traditional hmong men bridge the generation gap with their mostly
American grandchildren.
Like most hmong in the US, Ly immigrated with her family following the end
of the Vietnam war. Her father spoke English, giving the family an advantage
and allowing him to find work in Hawaii, Orange county, California and
Merced working as a social worker or as an interpreter.
When Ly was 16, however, her father died in an automobile accident. But
since then her father's reputation (he was one of the first Hmong school
teachers in Laos) has continued to be an asset to Ly and her family,
especially as Ly has worked with the traditional hmong elders.
While still in high school, Ly met Pheng Ly, a community college student who
was engaged to marry a friend. When the engagement fell apart, Ly comforted
Pheng, and eventually married him in her sophomore year at California State
University-Sacramento.
Soon, Ly became a supervisor at the county welfare office, where she came
into contact with dozens of hmong families struggling to get off welfare.
These work experiences led her to found the Hmong Women's Heritage Association.
The Sacramento Bee article explores Ly's work in the association by showing
an example of the troubles hmong families face in the US. Ly's life seems
typically American in comparison with that of her sister-in-law, Nue, who's
story is the basis of much of the article. Also refugees from Laos, Nue's
family came to the US when she was 6, eventually moving to Orem, Utah, where
her family lived with a stepbrother.
At age 13, one of her stepbrother's soccer buddies, Joua, kidnapped Nue,
keeping her in the same room with him for 3 days (he didn't touch her during
that time), forcing marriage under traditional hmong cultural rules. Joua
was 22 at the time, she was in the 6th grade. While Nue could have
challenged the kidnapping-to-marriage, she didn't, seeing it as a way out of
her family's poverty. Because of how Joua treated her, she soon fell in love
with him.
Initially the marriage worked, and Joua and Nue now have six teenagers.
However, until recently, Nue was struggling with her marriage. Joua spent
every evening playing pool, leaving Nue to do everything for the children,
three of whom are 'AWOL.' "She takes care of everything, the dinner, the
homework, the housecleaning, the parent-teacher meetings," Ly says. "Her
husband never changed a diaper." Unable to even keep them in school, Nue had
reached the end of her patience, and started saving money to leave the
marriage.
Ly has now stepped in to help save the marriage, along with her foundation.
Meeting with clan leaders, Ly helped force Joua to make changes. Now his
only night at the pool hall is Tuesday, if Nue gives permission. He takes
the kids to soccer or basketball and helps them with their homework.
Worried that his wife might leave him, Joua has tried to follow the example
of Ly's husband, Pheng, who cooks and washes dishes.
Ly's group has caused some waves among the hmong community, however. She is
seen as a feminist by traditional hmong because she has advocated cultural
changes and worked with the hmong women. But her father's reputation helps
her continue to work with the community. Sometimes the association gets
blamed for fomenting marital strife, but Ly and the members of the
association counter that the only way to save Hmong marriages in the US is
to break the destructive patterns of the past.
Nor does Ly always seek to save marriages. Recently she got a phone call
from a relative whose husband has thrown her clothes out of the house and
told her to leave. Ly tells her its time to get out of the marriage. "She
got married at 14, and her husband had an affair that lasted five years.
When she found out, she was a veggie [i.e., unable to cope] ... The clan
leaders lectured (him) for 2 1/2 days that he had shamed the family, yada
yada yada, and told him if he left, he would be disowned by the clan." Ly
had already spent two nights at their house mediating and trying to slap
some sense into the husband. "He said 'It's none of your business.' I said,
'If your wife blows your brains out and her brains out, too, your kids
become my kids.' " She even confronted the husband's mistress. "She said,
'I'm not a b---- who sleeps with other people's husbands.' I said, 'Hel-lo
... ' "
The story of Ly's activism involves many other responsibilities. Association
support groups teach Hmong women to say "I love you," a culturally rare
phrase. She teaches survival skills to other Hmong women and bounces from
crisis to crisis, including a pregnant 15-year-old in the hospital with
pneumonia and a bladder infection after relatives tried to treat her with
traditional methods and chasing her nephews, Nue's sons, who don't show up
for school.
Ly credits her husband, Pheng, with a lot of support, and he says he loves'
his wife's activism. "I tell her, 'You do it, then I'll back you up.' " He
says both he and his wife have changed since they married. Ly says, "He
said, 'I thought I was marrying somebody who was just going to be my wife
and cook for me and my children -- instead, you are everything!' Having the
respect of my husband is fuel for what I do." And Ly adds that she gets
strength from the Church and from playing LDS hymns. "I just play for myself
when I feel really down."
Source:
Hmong women building bridges
Sacramento CA Bee 11Sep00 P2
http://www.sacbee.com/news/news/local02_20000911.html
By Stephen Magagnini: Bee Staff Writer
Sacramento CA Bee 11Sep00 P2
By Stephen Magagnini: Bee Staff Writer
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